March 26, 2005
Valley Of The Shadow Of Death
**Before I write, the following thank yous need to go out. (This is totally a partial list- just the ones who were at the hospital) My wife is my rock, my strength, my joy. She walks alongside me and never wavers. She is an old soul- who knows things about life at a young age- that many never learn in a lifetime. The time that I spent with her and my "daddy-in-law" Rod, really has prepared me for a time such as this. They see life as few do (including being able to laugh at anything and everything!) and that has rubbed off on me and made me strong. Nate Cox- Look up "friend" in a dictionary and you find his mug staring at you. The two hours that we spent laughing and joking and marveling at how God works, were the crucial hours in that day. You got me through. You were on my mind in the minutes up until I went to sleep! Picasso- for always being present. For giving of yourself and being a sounding board for me during this time. Shane, Tony and Mike- just for being there on that day... huge. Pastor Rick and Pastor Tom- for making a long drive to be there- for your unwavering faith and covering. For loving me as your own son. For my parents- who always make me the priority of their lives, no matter the cost.
Those strange little holes in the corkboard ceiling do nothing but confuse you more. "Why do they put those there and what are they for?", you think, to keep those inevitable, dark thoughts away. Those dark thoughts- which have hammered you all week since Sunday- when the stark reality dawned on you- that THIS was the week that it all would go down. This atrocity was really going to happen... and there's nothing you could do to stop it.
So, there I lay- half-naked, little blue booties hanging precariously off my feet- getting ready to have all life's questions answered. IS GOD REAL? or AM I ALL ALONE? Think about it- that really sums up all that we long for, work for, live for and die for on this planet. We all just want to know that we are not alone. All the striving- to make money, make friends, have houses, create reputations- all of it comes down to that simple need. We need to know that we are not alone.
I've been in the church since I was born. I've realized this. Many Christians that I know are just like Jesus' disciple THOMAS. Called "doubting Thomas" by many- this man was fascinating. I mean, the guy walked and talked with the living God. He watched Jesus heal, cast out demons and change the weather with a simple command. Yet he still would not "let go" and believe! I have a sorrow in my life that is far more painful than any surgery or cancer that I could go through. That is all the Thomas' in my life. The ones who I know and love, who, for whatever reason, no longer believe. The ones who chase careers, money, success, reputation or family over Jesus. I lie awake at nights sometimes, fighting in the Spirit for those people's souls. I've come to the sorrowful conclusion that I cannot "save" them. They have to choose for themselves, just as I have done. All I can do is pray.
Yesterday was Good Friday. A day to reflect. It's interesting to me, to follow what happened to our friend, Thomas, during and after Good Friday. Because the DOUBTING disciple became the MISSING disciple during this time! Even after Jesus rose from the dead, Thomas was not at the first meetings of the early church. That sums up so many of us. Heck- I've been there many times. Sometimes you get so fed up with people at churches, who have gotten in the way of Jesus, that you just go missing. Your friends get hurt, pastors just want your money- maybe you got into some nasty stuff and were afraid that going back would bring judgement. Who knows? The bottom line is this- you think you are ALONE. You've seen or felt or heard about Jesus, yet you are not ready to put yourself on the line for Him. Not quite ready to make a fool of yourself for the Truth. There is too much to risk, right? Yup- sometimes there has to be a defining moment in your life. The moment when you sink your fingers into the holes in His flesh- His hands and His feet. What day is that for you?
Jesus raised from the dead on a Sunday. He had 40 simple days to prove to the world that He was alive and had risen. The entire future of the human race depended on Jesus proving himself alive in that short period of time. And yet, who did Jesus chase down to prove Himself risen?
The MISSING disciple. The DOUBTING disciple. Thomas. It was like- oh, Thomas- you walked alongside me for three long years. I poured my heart and soul into you, dude. what is it going to take to make you believe in me? Now, I want you to imagine being this dude. What would it be like to be visited, one on one, by the risen Jesus Christ- and offered to touch the very wounds that saved the entire world? Think of that, and that is how I felt on the operating gurney on Thursday. Jesus gave us the opportunity, once and for all, to prove to us that He is real. Imagine how Thomas' hand must have been shaking as he pressed into the supernatural holes. Imagine the rest of your life being changed. Jesus WENT OUT OF HIS WAY to show Thomas his scars. For many of you reading this blog, my story probably sounds a bit strange. I'm probably "off the deep end" for many of you. But I want you to do this... STOP, close your eyes- and tell me... is Jesus standing there right now? Are his hands held out to you? Do you SEE the holes in His hands? Are you ready to grab on to Him- and by doing that, let go of yourself? Are you ready to join in not only the pure JOY of eternal and abundant life, but the beautiful sorrows of living for Jesus? He'll walk you through your VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH. The one thing I can tell you is THIS: IF YOU GRAB HIS NAIL SCARRED HANDS, YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE.
Just as I had to answer those questions, seconds before being wheeled in, Jesus is waiting for all of us- in our time of facing death- to answer YES, I AM REAL. And, NO, YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. "BEHOLD, I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS, EVEN UNTO THE END OF THE AGE".
As I saw those tiny holes in the ceiling fade away, told my wife I loved her and faced the unknown, the song on my IPOD flipped to a song by Jason Upton. Man- this life has some seriously terrifying moments, but this song says it all:
Don’t be afraid baby don’t you cry
Daddy’s here it will be all right
You’re not alone you’re not alone
Don’t be afraid when you’re cold at night
I will keep you warm I will hold you tight
You’re not alone you’re not alone
Look beyond the window there
To the sky above to the open air
Look beyond what you can see
Close your eyes and just believe
The lion roars and the lamb lay down
They live together in a whole new town
They’re calling me and they’re calling you
From the cold hard facts that we’re on our own
To the age old truth that we’re not alone
Don’t be afraid when you scrape your knee
I’ve got a band aide waiting and a kiss for free
You’re not alone you’re not alone
Don’t be afraid of your blind belief
Because the more you fly the more you’ll see
You’re not alone you’re not alone
Look beyond the window there
To the sky above to the open air
Look beyond what you can see
Close your eyes and just believe
The lion roars and the lamb lay down
They live together in a whole new town
They’re calling me and they’re calling you
From the cold hard facts that we’re on our own
To the age old truth that we’re not
Don’t be afraid little warrior bride
Your victory’s on the other side
You’re not alone you’re not alone
© 2004 Jason Upton & Key of David Ministries. All rights reserved
Posted by chasyrdrmz at 09:32 AM | Comments (0)
March 24, 2005
IT'S ALL GOOD...DETAILS SOON!
Posted by chasyrdrmz at 10:54 PM | Comments (1)
March 23, 2005
Thursday Surgery Times
Report to City of Hope- 11am
Surgery- appx 1pm
faithhopelove,
jb and jen
Posted by chasyrdrmz at 06:09 PM | Comments (1)
March 22, 2005
Preparation...
There's no better way in the world to get ready for surgery than this!
I have this overwhelming feeling that Wednesday is going to be a huge day in my life. God is moving. Seatbelt firmly fastened:)
Posted by chasyrdrmz at 10:06 PM | Comments (0)
March 09, 2005
A Rush Of Blood To The Head
Your body instantly warms by 10 degrees, to the point where you want to take your coat off... a rush of blood to the head...
but, your body sits there, still and tense. You can't move. Your brain turns to mush, thinking of a hundred different things at once. You know that it must be gut wrenching for the young, thirty-something doctor- (who you can tell, really has a passion for medicine and serving people) to convey this brutal reality to you and your wife. You've just heard the "C" word, and you are looking around the room for someone less healthy and joyful, for him to be speaking that vulgarity to. The next words that roll off the doc's lips are something about "survival rates" and how young you are... then, something about how rare this disease really is and how you need to hop on it right away.
You picture the classic cancer scene in the movies... gaunt, pale semblances of what once used to be called a person, writhing in pain and numb from drugs, eyes glassed over, facing the end. Then, you think to yourself how strange this is, because you just had one of the best workout weeks of your life. You've just changed your lifestyle to beginning your mornings at LA Fitness and even started bringing your Bible to read as you run on the treadmill.
You snap back to reality as you hear "surgery", "radiation or chemotherapy", and even worse, MRI's (your issues of claustrophobia surface in your mind). You are trying to look the doctor in the eye, yet have this overwhelming desire to look at your young bride, sitting a few feet to your right. That sterile, white, thin paper- that they put over the examining table, crackles beneath, as you fidget around to try and keep from passing out, due to the enormity of the moment.
Suddenly, and without warning- you realize that only a minute has gone by. You regain your senses enough to realize that you are smiling at the young doctor, plainly saying, "ok". You lock eyes with the woman on your right and you realize that she is also sitting there, calmly taking all this in- without a trace of panic or terror. God is in the room. The peace, despite the news, surpasses all understanding. The thought hits your brain- "JB, this is your story. Your life will never be the same again".
You have cancer. You are 33 years old. You are at peace.
Next thing you know, the male nurse- a hispanic gentleman with a soft tone and even softer heart- comes in and wants to take blood. He asks what you are in for. You can't believe he's even asking, yet the tone that comes from your mouth is calm and sure, to the point that it suprises you... "they found cancer in one of my testicles," you say. The nurse is kind of shocked at your calmness.
At the same time, the doctor has the wife, out in the hall- wanting some kind of emotional reaction from her- "so, how are you REALLY doing?," he says. Jen is the picture of the virtuous wife. The game is on the line and she is not moved... "her price is far above rubies", you later think. She responds to the doctor with complete and utter peace. The young doctor's confused face is the last thing I remember.
On the drive to your brothers house, where your entire family is congregated, waiting for the news- you call your mentor first. He's not answering. Next in line is your brother Nate, who says exactly what you need to hear (but, you've come to expect that). You know in your heart that Mark, Denis and Mike somehow have to hear from you personally, before your head hits the pillow.
This was my story on a partly cloudy Friday in the Spring. My name is John, known as JB and I have testicular cancer. 03/04/05. Has kind of a ring to it, doesn't it? I guess I belong to some kind of new fraternity now. Those who must face their own mortality at a young age...
I'm not gonna' lie. This is surreal. I've finished 7 marathons. I've played baseball at the highest level. Now, you are gonna tell me that I have a terminal illness? That's crazy. Wasn't I the guy who waited to have sex till he got married? Wasn't I the guy who waited till he was 32 for his bride? Yup, that's me. I guess you would think that I would be bitter and angry? Confused maybe? Asking why? Scared? Fearful? Crying and screaming?
NOPE. None of that. There has been not a tear shed. I have not asked why ONCE. Now, I will proceed to tell you why. Some of you will read the following and shake your head and move on. With some of you, this will resonate and you will be encouraged to keep fighting the good fight. With some of you, this is proof of what I have been trying to tell you for years. To some of you, this will be the day that YOU find the peace that I have experienced. In any case, this is my truth.
"The joy of the Lord is my strength". This was a cheap, Sunday School cliche, wasn't it? It was for me too. For 32 years it was. Any strength that those words ever brought to me were watered down and sucked dry by the deadness and hypocracy of the church. How many TV preachers have we mocked? How many people in the church have hurt us? But, you know what? Those words, and the ones which surround them in the Word, are the key to the ultimate, fantastic life adventure. Those words are what bring this strange, warm, peace to me, in the midst of facing my own death. "A peace that surpasses all understanding". Hey- there's another one they drug into the ground. But, you know what's crazy? These are the words, hidden in my memory and in my heart- that are living and true and make me OK right now. When Jen and I look at each other and wonder why we are not completely torn up, we realize that God's peace- wow, it's real...
You see, a relationship with Jesus Christ is REAL. NOT a middle class moral code of living. NOT a list of things I should be doing. NOT attending church for an hour a week. This is a REAL relationship- a friendship- a sonship- a purpose- this is more real than this keyboard that I am typing on. You see, God has chosen the foolish things of the world, to confound the wise. His ways are higher than our ways. His thoughts are not our thoughts. You see, the key to our entire lives is that the spirit world is more real than the physical. Read the Bible. If you call yourself a Christian, you must believe this. But, the funny thing is- despite what anyone at church or on tv has told you- this relationship with God, who is Spirit, is real. Real enough to make me look at my own mortality and laugh. Real enough to make me face cancer with complete peace. The question is- are you ready to give your life for God? That's what He asks. "Deny yourself, pick up your cross and follow Me".
We are only stewards of all we have. The money that you have means nothing. It's a joke. Your house that you own. It could burn down in 10 minutes. Your car- gone in 2 seconds. Your job. Your career. Your ego. The sports you watch and play. Are you ready for this? You know that husband or wife? They do not and can not come before God. You won't be married in heaven! You know the kids you put so much pride in? Not even yours. They are on loan to you. It's laughable. Until you/we realize that they are nothing, you cannot be free. I was stuck in those traps for 32 years. Chasing after the wind. Heck, look at my email address... "chase your dreams" What a joke. Just wait till they tell you that you may die. Then, you will know who's you are. Believe me, you'll know.
God has healed me of so many issues in the past year. When you die to yourself, Jesus comes in and takes them all away. That's what a steady diet of the Bible does! "By His (Jesus's) stripes, we are healed". God helped me make peace with my past. I have forgiven all the people who hurt me. I now live with focus and purpose and peace. It's such an amazing, abundant life when you walk in Spirit and in Truth.
I've probably looked like a fool all my life- living for Jesus. I've been rejected, abused and made fun of. But, looking like a fool pales in comparison when it's YOU facing the grave and YOU are the one telling everyone else that it's ok.
I'll finish with this. All of us will face God one day. Some sooner than others. Will we know Him when we see Him? Will He know us? Will we fall and worship Him or dance with Him. Or, will He say, "depart from me, you worker of iniquity, I never knew you."???
PS: My church family prayed healing for me this morning. I believe that if we pray for the sick, they will recover. I believe that I am healed. My healing has begun.
Never the same again,
jb
Posted by chasyrdrmz at 02:33 PM | Comments (0)