in spirit and in truth

Main | Preparation... »

March 09, 2005

A Rush Of Blood To The Head

Your body instantly warms by 10 degrees, to the point where you want to take your coat off... a rush of blood to the head...
but, your body sits there, still and tense. You can't move. Your brain turns to mush, thinking of a hundred different things at once. You know that it must be gut wrenching for the young, thirty-something doctor- (who you can tell, really has a passion for medicine and serving people) to convey this brutal reality to you and your wife. You've just heard the "C" word, and you are looking around the room for someone less healthy and joyful, for him to be speaking that vulgarity to. The next words that roll off the doc's lips are something about "survival rates" and how young you are... then, something about how rare this disease really is and how you need to hop on it right away.

You picture the classic cancer scene in the movies... gaunt, pale semblances of what once used to be called a person, writhing in pain and numb from drugs, eyes glassed over, facing the end. Then, you think to yourself how strange this is, because you just had one of the best workout weeks of your life. You've just changed your lifestyle to beginning your mornings at LA Fitness and even started bringing your Bible to read as you run on the treadmill.

You snap back to reality as you hear "surgery", "radiation or chemotherapy", and even worse, MRI's (your issues of claustrophobia surface in your mind). You are trying to look the doctor in the eye, yet have this overwhelming desire to look at your young bride, sitting a few feet to your right. That sterile, white, thin paper- that they put over the examining table, crackles beneath, as you fidget around to try and keep from passing out, due to the enormity of the moment.

Suddenly, and without warning- you realize that only a minute has gone by. You regain your senses enough to realize that you are smiling at the young doctor, plainly saying, "ok". You lock eyes with the woman on your right and you realize that she is also sitting there, calmly taking all this in- without a trace of panic or terror. God is in the room. The peace, despite the news, surpasses all understanding. The thought hits your brain- "JB, this is your story. Your life will never be the same again".

You have cancer. You are 33 years old. You are at peace.

Next thing you know, the male nurse- a hispanic gentleman with a soft tone and even softer heart- comes in and wants to take blood. He asks what you are in for. You can't believe he's even asking, yet the tone that comes from your mouth is calm and sure, to the point that it suprises you... "they found cancer in one of my testicles," you say. The nurse is kind of shocked at your calmness.

At the same time, the doctor has the wife, out in the hall- wanting some kind of emotional reaction from her- "so, how are you REALLY doing?," he says. Jen is the picture of the virtuous wife. The game is on the line and she is not moved... "her price is far above rubies", you later think. She responds to the doctor with complete and utter peace. The young doctor's confused face is the last thing I remember.

On the drive to your brothers house, where your entire family is congregated, waiting for the news- you call your mentor first. He's not answering. Next in line is your brother Nate, who says exactly what you need to hear (but, you've come to expect that). You know in your heart that Mark, Denis and Mike somehow have to hear from you personally, before your head hits the pillow.

This was my story on a partly cloudy Friday in the Spring. My name is John, known as JB and I have testicular cancer. 03/04/05. Has kind of a ring to it, doesn't it? I guess I belong to some kind of new fraternity now. Those who must face their own mortality at a young age...
I'm not gonna' lie. This is surreal. I've finished 7 marathons. I've played baseball at the highest level. Now, you are gonna tell me that I have a terminal illness? That's crazy. Wasn't I the guy who waited to have sex till he got married? Wasn't I the guy who waited till he was 32 for his bride? Yup, that's me. I guess you would think that I would be bitter and angry? Confused maybe? Asking why? Scared? Fearful? Crying and screaming?

NOPE. None of that. There has been not a tear shed. I have not asked why ONCE. Now, I will proceed to tell you why. Some of you will read the following and shake your head and move on. With some of you, this will resonate and you will be encouraged to keep fighting the good fight. With some of you, this is proof of what I have been trying to tell you for years. To some of you, this will be the day that YOU find the peace that I have experienced. In any case, this is my truth.

"The joy of the Lord is my strength". This was a cheap, Sunday School cliche, wasn't it? It was for me too. For 32 years it was. Any strength that those words ever brought to me were watered down and sucked dry by the deadness and hypocracy of the church. How many TV preachers have we mocked? How many people in the church have hurt us? But, you know what? Those words, and the ones which surround them in the Word, are the key to the ultimate, fantastic life adventure. Those words are what bring this strange, warm, peace to me, in the midst of facing my own death. "A peace that surpasses all understanding". Hey- there's another one they drug into the ground. But, you know what's crazy? These are the words, hidden in my memory and in my heart- that are living and true and make me OK right now. When Jen and I look at each other and wonder why we are not completely torn up, we realize that God's peace- wow, it's real...

You see, a relationship with Jesus Christ is REAL. NOT a middle class moral code of living. NOT a list of things I should be doing. NOT attending church for an hour a week. This is a REAL relationship- a friendship- a sonship- a purpose- this is more real than this keyboard that I am typing on. You see, God has chosen the foolish things of the world, to confound the wise. His ways are higher than our ways. His thoughts are not our thoughts. You see, the key to our entire lives is that the spirit world is more real than the physical. Read the Bible. If you call yourself a Christian, you must believe this. But, the funny thing is- despite what anyone at church or on tv has told you- this relationship with God, who is Spirit, is real. Real enough to make me look at my own mortality and laugh. Real enough to make me face cancer with complete peace. The question is- are you ready to give your life for God? That's what He asks. "Deny yourself, pick up your cross and follow Me".

We are only stewards of all we have. The money that you have means nothing. It's a joke. Your house that you own. It could burn down in 10 minutes. Your car- gone in 2 seconds. Your job. Your career. Your ego. The sports you watch and play. Are you ready for this? You know that husband or wife? They do not and can not come before God. You won't be married in heaven! You know the kids you put so much pride in? Not even yours. They are on loan to you. It's laughable. Until you/we realize that they are nothing, you cannot be free. I was stuck in those traps for 32 years. Chasing after the wind. Heck, look at my email address... "chase your dreams" What a joke. Just wait till they tell you that you may die. Then, you will know who's you are. Believe me, you'll know.

God has healed me of so many issues in the past year. When you die to yourself, Jesus comes in and takes them all away. That's what a steady diet of the Bible does! "By His (Jesus's) stripes, we are healed". God helped me make peace with my past. I have forgiven all the people who hurt me. I now live with focus and purpose and peace. It's such an amazing, abundant life when you walk in Spirit and in Truth.

I've probably looked like a fool all my life- living for Jesus. I've been rejected, abused and made fun of. But, looking like a fool pales in comparison when it's YOU facing the grave and YOU are the one telling everyone else that it's ok.

I'll finish with this. All of us will face God one day. Some sooner than others. Will we know Him when we see Him? Will He know us? Will we fall and worship Him or dance with Him. Or, will He say, "depart from me, you worker of iniquity, I never knew you."???

PS: My church family prayed healing for me this morning. I believe that if we pray for the sick, they will recover. I believe that I am healed. My healing has begun.

Never the same again,
jb

Posted by chasyrdrmz at March 9, 2005 02:33 PM

Comments

Post a comment